Accomplishment

One of my goals was to get below 240 pounds and I accomplished that this morning. YEA! My other goal was to walk twice around the lake, which we did. YEA! When we got home from walking, I made breakfast and then went through emails. Did house stuff. I am in a photography group where we are taking a word and we have to take pictures of how we see that word. One of the rules is that the pictures have to be taken during this month. There were some comments on some of the pictures that were not very nice. Photography for me is a hobby that I enjoy and I like to share my pictures with other people. Yes, I believe that rules need to be followed, but you do not need to put other people down when they don't do the type of picture that you think they should. There are some pictures that I feel have had too much post processing. I like pictures that relatively come straight out of the camera and have some post processing. Rory came down and I was showing him the pictures and he did not understand, but, he at least listened. After that he called the place where his car was and eventually started yelling at them. I had to take over the conversation and calm everybody down. There was no reason for Rory to be yelling. He finally got his car back, but they still need to finish an item, which they will do next week, here at home. Rory wants everything done instantaneously and sometimes that does not happen. I was going to take a nap after lunch, but I felt that I needed to get him down to get the car and then I could come back and relax, so that is what I did. When I got up, Mari was taking a nap and I talked to Marissa. She did take the survey that I asked her to do and what it came back with was interesting. It had to do with agriculture and animals. Went out to dinner with a friend, which was nice and I really do need to set some goals for myself over the next couple of years as to where I am going. Came home and just having some nice quiet time. Part of today, I really felt like I was being pushed into something I didn't want to do. I don't enjoy having people over to our house and I don't really enjoy going over to other people's houses. I want to control how things go and there are times I can't. When I get together with friends, I like to go out for coffee/tea or a meal. As Mari said to me this afternoon, both her parents want control and that is so true. How do I let go and feel comfortable with other people in control? When I have let other people control in the past, I have not enjoyed things.

Out of my comfort zone

Got up around 6:15 and did my morning routine. I am loving this routine. Mari and I did our walk about 8. I had a doctor's appointment at 10:40 and needed to leave around 10. Mari was going with me. We left at 10 and got to the doctor's office to find out she was 30 minutes behind. I did not want to stay just for a blood pressure check and a quick visit with the doctor. Had my blood pressure checked and was very happy with it. When Mari and I came back from walking, Marissa was downstairs. She was talking about some dreams she has been having about losing things. I know these dreams, as I have had them before. I asked her when she was ready to move forward and maybe it was time to go back to the psychologist, if she was really ready to move forward. It is hard to move out a place you are "comfortable" with, because there is that fear of failure and the unknown. I really feel that is why I have stayed with Rory all these years. Mari and I had a conversation about this on the way to the doctor's. After the doctor's appointment, we went to Costco, to see if I could find some sunglasses that I like and have been trying to find all over the place. They did not have them either. From there we went to Trader Joe's. Over the last two days, I have been getting things done that I have been putting off, which has been nice. I get into a rut with my errands. Came home and found out that the mantle was not going to be installed today. A friend of mine texted me and wanted to know if I wanted to come over for a glass of wine this afternoon. It would have been nice, but I really just felt like staying at home. Rory's car is still in the shop and he had to return his rental car this morning. He is getting antsy and driving us all nuts, because he has no car and he wants to do things and doesn't want to stay in our bedroom and watch TV. When we got home, Marissa was upset, because her dad was downstairs and constantly talking and doing stupid things with the cat, like putting a pillow over her. He really doesn't know how to interact with people or animals. Ate my lunch and then took a nap. After I got up, I was looking forward to just having some quiet time in the living room. Rory decided he was going to come down and was non-stop talking. I almost turned around and told my friend I would come over for that glass of wine, but I didn't. Rory went back upstairs. I enjoy my plants on our patio and he was asking if I really enjoyed the plants and I said "yes". He told me I didn't when we lived in Los Angeles. I told him I did not have time for them, then, but I know we did have plants and a yard at that time, but I also had a full time job and twins and him and pets. He does understand people, which is sad. Now that the court case is done, now he wants to find something else to do that will make us some money and of course, he wants to talk about it and get me to do it for him, which I will not do. Enjoying the quiet time in the living room, doing my own thing. Almost time for dinner. Mari made our dinner and I made Rory's dinner. He does not like fish, so he got a TV dinner. Watched TV while we ate dinner, which is typical. Valerie called while we watching TV. She has been through two of her radiation treatments. Rory wants to come down at 9 and watch a movie, which is fine. I really don't know how to handle the four of us living in this house, without Rory having to hang out in our bedroom, especially if he wants to watch TV all the time.

A day of accomplishment

I have been starting to get up at 6 a.m., so that I can have time to myself and be able to listen to a message from Chip Ingram on Living on the Edge. I am also able to get Rory his breakfast before 9 a.m. I know it is early, but it is helping my day start on the right foot. Mari and I did our walk and then came home and had breakfast and I did house stuff. Took a nap and after lunch, Mari and I did errands. A friend of mine wanted to get together around 4, originally it was 3. The blog I am doing on Orange County History, I wanted to take pictures of one of the local historic parks, which I did. I still had time before I was supposed to meet my friend, so I went to a couple of stores to get things, I had been putting off. It felt really good to get things done. Met my friend for a smoothie and it was nice to catch up. Came home and had dinner. Doing computer stuff tonight. I feel at peace tonight, which is nice.

Frustration and tiredness

I am so tired of being tired. I am tired of people and their lack of communication, especially with what I talked about yesterday. When I went to bed last night, Rory wanted to talk to me. He talks to me all day, but he has to wait until I came to bed to talk to me about a piece of mail that he put on my office chair, that he wanted me to handle. I did handle it, by putting it in the trash can. The envelope had to do with refinancing our mortgage, which we can't do, as we are upside down. He knows this, but he keeps hoping that maybe something will change. He dreams and I have to be the responsible one and I am so tired of it. He also wanted to be praised for not putting things on a credit card during this past weekend, when he went to Palm Springs. I don't praise, as I expect him to be responsible. I would praise if he did something that I felt deserved praise. I live with the drama king. When he closes cabinet doors, he has to slam the door. He has to do his blood sugar every day and every time he pokes his finger, he has to complain about how it hurts. I know it hurts, but it has to be done. He wants to be respected, but he doesn't want to respect others. When the girls and I travel, we have very few problems and Rory has all sorts of problems. He wants someone to do everything for him and the girls and I are very independent. I am tired of the hurt in my knee, but there is nothing I can do with it. I am going to keep walking and doing my exercising. I got up this morning at 6 and I am enjoying the time I have for myself before I get Mari up to go walking. It is helping to write out what I deal with. Most times, I find if I get it out of my head and on to paper or computer, it really helps.My frustration is coming from my tiredness. I go to bed around 10 and get up at 6ish. I know I wake up at 2 and probably around 4ish and then around 5:30. I used to take a nap after lunch and now I don't get through the morning without a nap. This really affects my life. I know alot of this is my husband and his sleep apnea, which he won't do anything about, plus he lays around in bed all day and off and on sleeps. We do not have another place for me to go sleep and he wants me in bed with him. Positive note: I did a career interest survey last night and it came back that I should be in the hotel industry. I am thinking concierge would be good! I have been looking at personal assistant and caregiver. Personal assistant and caregiver are what I do right now. Working in the travel industry is what I have always wanted to do. Still need to get Mari through school. If I could figure out how and not stress myself out, I could work part time in a hotel, in order to get my foot in the door. Just a thought! I need to make wise choices and not just leap! How do you handle things when you cannot really communicate with your spouse? Yesterday, I could tell the girls and my friends about the meet up group, but I could not really tell my husband. I also found out while he was gone that he is taking cash advances when he goes to the casino and I can't say anything, because he will say I was snooping. He doesn't want me to see what is on his credit cards and now I know why. Today, he has his car in for service and he wanted to put it on the joint account and not on his credit card, which is how I handle things like this. My frustration is that I can't really talk to him. We have surface conversations and everything has to be his way. Tonight, Marissa had a relationship workshop through her Aspergers group. I know she really doesn't want to go, but I paid for it and she is going. Normally, I would give in and say ok, but I paid for it and she is going. Mari and I go out to dinner while she is in the class. We went to a BBQ place that I found on the internet and had good reviews. It was good and we will go back. Huge portions though. The restaurant was in an area that brought back a lot of not so great memories from when my dad was in the last years of his life. I have dealt with some of these memories, but still the area brings me down. After dinner we went to Trader Joe's and got stuff for dinner tomorrow night and then drove around and I took some pictures of the sunset. Came home and Rory came downstairs. He is uptight about the court case tomorrow. I am tired and headed for bed, so I can do my reading.

Change is hard and scary

As I said yesterday, I watched a program about a woman, who was 435 pounds and how she lost a lot of weight over a one year time frame. She set goals, but didn't always stick to them. I have set goals and things have changed or other people have been involved in this goal and I have not been able to accomplish the goal. My self-confidence has also gotten in the way of establishing the goal. My self-confidence appears to have gotten in the way of many things. During the night, I had a dream that we were having construction work done on our house and my feelings about it. Construction work is change and I am so glad the construction is over for awhile. No plans in the future for construction in this house. I know the construction work was meaning change. It is so much more comfortable to stay put or is it? I am finding things I enjoy doing and I do need to work on me. This is scary. I have actually set some goals. Starting in August, we are going to start walking two times around RSM Lake, which is 2.2 miles and in October we will walk Mission Viejo Lake one time a week, which is 3 miles. I will continue to do our other walking at the park. I am making a goal of being down 10 pounds by Christmas. I will hope for more, but at this point that is where I want to be. I know there needs to be other change, but for right now that is all I want to accomplish. This afternoon, as I was going through my emails, I came across one that about blew me away. I was kicked out of a meet up group for a question I asked. The question I asked was about food. We are going through a museum with a docent and the tour starts at 11:30 and ends at 2:30. Those times are right around lunch hour and after last weekend, I learned I need to eat at regular times. I asked if I could eat a sandwich after we meet and before the tour time and the answer I got was that everyone is taking care of their own food. That answer did not really give me the answer I wanted, so I asked the question a different way and the next thing I knew, I was out of the group. I emailed the person and called the person and she got back to me and told me that she had had another member ask a lot of questions and she was starting to see a pattern. One question and she is starting to see a pattern. I am starting to see a pattern and that is someone has a problem with communication. I have decided if I have another problem with this group, I will leave the group. She did reinstate me. This is one subject that frustrates me to no end. Communication! Give me all the information and people will not ask questions. She was stating that she gets 200 emails a day and she has to work. That is what you get when you are the organizer of a meetup group that has a lot of activities. She was also stating that my comment was going to 30 people and I said "OK" and that I was seeing all of the communication about paypal that she had with this one person. I have learned to go through my emails and edit them. I do not need to read every single email I get. Marissa was complaining tonight about having to go to group tomorrow night. I told her she is going, as I paid for this. The group is on relationship and dating and she says it is more on dating and she is not interested in dating. She wants all these things, but does not move forward. We seem to have this conversation many times. Good night, I am tired. Trudi

A typical day

Actually had a good night sleep. Woke up around six and decided to get up as Mari and I decided to walk the lake twice around. We got once around and Mari was having sore legs. Got breakfast from Starbuck's and came home. It was nice not to have to make breakfast for Rory. Checked emails and then did laundry. I needed a nap, so I took one. After I took a nap, emptied the trash in the house, did vacuuming, watered the plants and checked our bank account. Filed some things that needed to be filed and then took some things over to the storage unit and ran some errands with Marissa. Marissa wants to get a bike, which is fine, but I hope we don't just buy it and she does nothing with it. Rory came home right before we left. Put his dirty clothes in the garage for washing and then gave him the suitcases to put away. If I didn't do it, I know they would sit in the living room for ever until he got around to doing it. Last night, I looked at a couple of credit cards that he does not want me to see and now I know why. When he goes to the casino, he is taking cash advances and not small ones. His dealing with finances drives me nuts and I don't know how long I can handle it. Now I get time for myself with the computer to edit pictures and to write. Someone posted "what do I want to accomplish over the next 90 days" and I really don't know. I take things one day at a time and I am content with that. Yes, I am working on my weight and yes, I am getting exercise. I have no goals for the next 90 days, I feel like I just exist. I am a "do" person and this bothers me, as having a goal, means I have something to do and I can check it off my list. Am I a failure, if I don't have something to do or accomplish a goal? No, but I feel like I am not worthy! I ended up watching a program on the computer called "Extreme Makeover-Weight Loss" or something to that effect. The program made me cry and I don't feel like I push myself enough. I am good enough and I am loved and I really need to believe it. Now how can I believe this. What goals can I set for myself. Had dinner and did some writing. Going to do my reading early, so I can watch the beginning of the new episode of what I watched this afternoon. Better get to it. Good Night, Trudi

Positive and relaxed

Actually slept in until 6:45. I rarely do this when Rory is home and especially when he is stressed. Got up as Mari and I are walking every morning and I wanted to get my morning routine completed, before we went walking. I have hit my first goal of getting to 240 pounds, now I am starting on my second goal of getting to 235. I also did some thinking about a goal statement and this is what I have come up with: I want to be healthy, be financially responsible, have a home base and be able to travel, explore, learn about history, do photography and write and make a living doing this. I also came to realize that I could be happy living where I am, if I was not living with Rory. I asked the girls how they would feel if we would stay here and Rory was not part of this household and they agreed. I have been trying to find a place where I am happy and I have been running away. I need to stop that and deal with what I have here. I find that when I focus on me and not on Rory, I am happier. One of my goals is to get Mari through school and stay put. I don't want to put her through any more stress than she has at school. The condo we have lived in for the last 14 years, as of the end of this month, has never had a mantle over the fireplace. I got an estimate of what that is going to cost and I will have a mantle as of next Thursday. Met up with a friend for tea and we were talking about where she is going with her career. At this point, she has no job. One of the things she is looking at is being a personal assistant. I would love to do this job and in many ways I do this job right now. We were talking about her setting up her own business and doing this and possibly me doing this with her down line. This is another career possibility for me. Right now, I have enough on my plate. Came home to pick up Mari and went to run errands. Late afternoon is my favorite time of the day, as I get to write and edit pictures.

Mari made dinner and I didn't realize how relaxed I was getting, until Rory called. Stress came back in for a few minutes. We have been pretty much hanging out in front of the TV. I did call Val, my friend who has cancer and they want her to go through 10 sessions of radiation. I was worried, as I asked her to call me, when she got back and I didn't hear from her. Glad to know she is ok. Watching the Olympics and coloring hair. Nice way to end a nice relaxing Friday! Good Night! Trudi