Expectations and guilt

Good Morning!  It started off sunny, but now we have overcast and foggy!  I am enjoying a quiet, cool morning!

This last week has really affected me, with the two teens being lost in Trabuco Canyon and then being found, thank goodness!  Also the death of my pastor 's son from mental illness and depression.  My husband deals with Asperger Syndrome and OCD and narcissism and, I also wonder if he is bipolar!  Marissa deals with Asperger Syndrome and major anxiety.  I put a lot of expectations on myself and I am hard on myself.  Marissa is easier to deal with than Rory, as Rory is very negative and puts people down, including me.  This is not love.  I love Saturdays, when I can get away and do something I really enjoy.  I have a much better attitude the next day, it also helps my body.  If I don't do something right, I feel guilty and I know I should not.  I love both my girls tremendously and I would do anything for them.  I wish the world would understand mental illness and how hard it is on the people who have it, as well as the people who live with that person.

Today, I will be separating laundry and trying to do at least one load.  I am not going to feel guilty if I don't get one load done.  I am going to get a menu done for the week and marketing done.  If I can get anything else done, I will be happy and not feel guilty.  Today is Sunday and I know there are services, but I really just feel like staying home and not having to be somewhere at a certain time.  I am not going to feel guilty!

One load in the washer, a nap, morning computer stuff done, a menu made, marketing done and now I am going to work on finances and after that I am going to do something fun!  I got done what I wanted to, with finances and presented a budget to Rory, which went well and I was surprised.  He may come back at me later, which is typical.  Made dinner.  Now that I am finished with budget, Marissa and I can start taking a class on pet sitting.  YEA!  Mari and I had dinner together and watched TV, while Marissa watched TV in her room and Rory watched TV in his room.  I got my picture of the day edited and things done.  Overall, a good day!

Going to do reading and go to bed at 10!

Good night!  Trudi

This is the Lawrence building in Santa Ana, CA

Lions and tigers and bears of old

It has been a fun, exhausting and emotional day.

Mari and I had plans to go to the Old Los Angeles Zoo, that was closed in 1965, but you can still walk through the zoo without animals.  It is really very small and very hard to find.  The zoo is located in Griffith Park.  We were meeting a group at noon at the zoo, so we left here about 10:30 and went to the gas station, bank and, of course, Starbucks, and then headed for Los Angeles.  Before, we left, a friend of mine messaged me that our pastor's son had committed suicide last night.  How very sad and my prayers go out to the family.  After the last few days of the two teens being lost in Trabuco Canyon, which is very close to my house and then my pastor losing his son, I felt like I really wanted to just hug my girls.  After we got to the zoo, we walked around and, of course, took pictures.  Then we went over to Travel Town and looked at the trains.  Mari wanted to take some pictures for a project she is doing and then go to the gift shop.  Started home, but had to get a snack and found a place that we had gone to before.  Traffic coming home was awful.  Got home and made dinner and watched some TV.  Finally getting to do my blog and my picture.

Rory was very uptight last night and turned the fan off and coffee maker on at 6.  He did not like the idea of having to be on a budget, plus the fight he got into with the teenager, a couple of weeks ago, is still upsetting him.  I really did not want to get up at 6, but I let him talk until 6:30, when I had planned to get up.  I feel much more at peace with the budget I set up.  The Bible states that "the truth will set you free", and it did.  It really gives me some peace, even though I have to ask for more money.  Rory really does not care that in a few years the trust fund will run out and then what?  Anyway, overall it was a good day.

Going to finish this and then read and go to bed!  I got some books on trains today, while we were at Travel Town.  Since doing this budget, I have made a decision to take smaller trips and more local until Mari graduates from college, then I will decide what we are going to do.  Since neither one of us really make any money, I feel like I need to cut back on how much we do travel.  Local trips don't cost as much.

Good night!  Trudi

How did I do anything else?

Good Morning!  It is overcast and cool this morning!

I used to be a real estate appraiser, as well as wife and mom and I don't know how I did this.  I don't know how other women work and manage their family.  Things suffer and I know this and I really feel like the family suffers.  I know Rory needs me to take care of him and do all sorts of errands for him.  I know Mari needs me to help her get through school, as well as take her to and from school. I know Marissa needs me.  I am really glad I can be home to take care of them.  I am currently reading "The Confident Woman" by Joyce Meyer and the part I am reading right now is about the Proverbs 31 woman.  In my marriage, I wish I had trust and confidence in my husband.  I feel like I am the only responsible person in this relationship.  This is hard on me, but I try to take care of myself.  I did get some exercise yesterday, but I beat myself up, when I don't get the exercise I had planned.  I sort of know it is ok to take care of me and take some down time; but in many ways, I am very hard on me.

Marissa has a physical this morning and Mari and I are going with her for support.  Mari and I are going walking while she has the appointment.  This afternoon is mainly at home.

I know with Marissa, that if we say we are leaving at a certain time, we had better leave at that time and especially this morning.  We left at 9:30 and took her to the doctor for her physical.  After a whole lot of paperwork, she went in and Mari and I headed out for our walk to the lake.  When we left, the woman at the front desk said it would take about 30 minutes, so we walked to the lake and back, but not around the lake.  It was still about 2 miles, so I was happy.  Came back and waited for another 45 minutes.  I had forgotten my Kindle.  After that we went to lunch and then to Target.  Came home and I took a nap.  Now I am doing home stuff.  It is being quiet in the house, as Rory went out.  Mari is taking a nap and Marissa is hanging out in her room.

Rory came back and had to talk to me in the living room.  He did not know where the city hall for our area was.  It moved several years ago.  Why do I know these things and he doesn't?  Poor Marissa is so tired.  I finished going through what we spent last year and tried to set it up into some sort of a budget.  It depresses me.  I  am going to tell Rory about this, but it won't make any difference to him.  I also need to start asking for more money, once a month.  I guess I need to start making dinner.  It kills me how much money we put out every month and I, really don't know where to cut back.  Rory wants to go out for his birthday and Father's Day.  Money, just frustrates me, especially when Rory and I are in two different worlds.

Had dinner and watched TV and then Rory came downstairs.  He really did not want to deal with the money issue, but he did agree to put into our joint account some money, which helps.  I came upstairs to do some reading and I am going to bed at 10.

Good Night!  Trudi

A tour and prayers

Good Morning!

It was foggy when I got up this morning and now the sun is out.  I am doing a tour this morning at the Mission and the rest of the day will be doing stuff around the house.  I know we need to color hair today.  My prayers are going out to a family of an 18-year old young woman who is lost in the canyon near us.  They found her partner last night and took him to the hospital.

Rory is going to do shooting tests.  Mari is going to do homework.

The tour went great and when I was done with the tour, I looked at my phone and Marissa had texted that they had found the young woman who had been missing in the canyon.  YEA!  Prayers answered. On the way home, stopped at the VA, to pick up something for Rory and then went to Smart and Final to get some groceries.  Came home, had lunch, took a nap and now just doing house stuff.  It feels good to get some things accomplished.

Marissa is having a physical and it is the first time she has had a Pap and she is major anxious about it.  Please keep her in your prayers!  Made dinner and the girls and I watched TV.  Rory had gone to shoot and came home with feet and legs hurting.  I know that the less he uses them, they will feel better, but as soon as he walks on them for too long, they start to hurt.  I will be so glad to see the orthopedist and see what they recommend.  I took him up some Motrin, as I know he will not do anything, except complain.  Mari and I colored hair and now I am just going to enjoy quiet(I hope!) and get to read and write and whatever.

To bed at 10 and  hopefully I will sleep as well as I did last night.

Good Night!  Trudi

How our pasts hurt us-breaking through the walls of fear and acceptance

Good Morning!

It is a beautiful sunny morning and Sweet Pea is enjoying sleeping in the sun!

Last  night driving home from school, Mari was extremely tired and very emotional.  She is headed into her junior year and the teachers are expecting more of them.  She was putting herself down and she doesn't think she is as good as everybody else.  I know she is.  We were dealing with issues from when she was in elementary school.  She was in tears most of the way home.  I was dealing with some similar things with Marissa earlier in the afternoon.  I know we all deal with fear and acceptance.  Pastor Rick has always talked about how we cannot compare ourselves to other people and that we only have to look to God for acceptance and God loves us just the way we are.

Today, Mari has school from 10-12:30.  I am going walking and then come back and pick her up.  We are doing hair today-both cut and color.  Took Mari to school and Mari forgot a folder, so I had to come back and pick it up and then go back to Laguna and drop it off with Mari.  I headed for San Juan Capistrano to go walking and get us lunch.  Came home and took a nap, before the cleaners get her.  I did make a call to our church to talk to an attorney about financial issues, if I was to separate from Rory.  I need to get some information straight, as I have heard different variations regarding inheritance.     Rory's OCD is really getting to me.  He had to call me this morning, while I was taking Mari to school, to tell me all the info he had found out about a wine class he wants to take, of which I have taken before and knew how to find and also about a shooting class he needs to take.  He, either, was given wrong information or he heard information and misconstrued it, regarding the wine class.  When I call about certain things,  I don't feel like I need to call him and tell him everything I found out, especially if it really doesn't concern him.  I know he wants to share, but not all the time and I treasure my time with Mari.

Mari and I headed out to get our hair cut, then we walked over to Trader Joe's.  We got frozen yogurt and then came home through Live Oak Canyon.  We have two missing teens in our local canyons and have been missing since Sunday.  There are many people looking for them.  Came home and got dinner together and watched TV.  Rory went to two movies.  We are all doing our own thing.  It sounds like they have found the young man who was missing in Trabuco Canyon.

At 9,  I am going to go to bed and read and turn off the light at 10.

Good Night!  Trudi

Not my normal schedule

I am not getting to write until dinner time, so I will not say good morning!

From the very word "go" this morning, this day was not normal routine.  It is Tuesday, which means a busy day anyway.  I made pancakes this morning, which takes extra routine and probably not a good idea for a early morning, but I got most of the important things done that I needed to and I guess that is what is important.  Mari and I left about 9:25 and headed for school and to go along with the day, there was a sign as we were headed down Laguna Canyon, that the road was closed at the 73 tollway.  Oh great, but there is another way to get down Laguna Canyon, so we went that way and got her to school on time.  I had decided I was going to find some other places to walk and so I looked on line to see what I could find.  San Clemente trail sounded interesting, so that is what I decided to find and walk.  It goes along the beach and the railroad tracks.  Good walk.

After my walk, I came home and had lunch and took a nap.  Rory came home right before Marissa and I left.  His non-stop talking drives me nuts and he has to tell me several times about what happened or what he is doing.  Marissa and I left and went to Starbucks to get snack and then headed for her counseling appointment.  I found a place to sit and do some things, as well as take some pictures.  Came back to pick her up and then we headed home.  There are two things of newsworthy near us.  One was the accident on Laguna Canyon, which killed two teenagers and the other one is that two teenagers who were hiking are missing in the canyon near us.  We have been hearing helicopters around us.  My prayers are with all of these families.  The teenagers were not at fault in the accident, as someone went north in the south bound lanes and there was a head-on collision.  I am having quiet time  and totally enjoying it.  I will leave at 8:45 to go get Mari, then come home and probably go to bed.

Today, I have really felt the need to escape, but I made the best of it.  It is hard to live with someone with OCD.

The picture below shows our master bathroom last year.  That was also stressful to live through, but at least that gets done, where the OCD does not go away.

Good night!  Trudi

Verses and I made it past a barricade

Good Morning!

It is a cloudy morning, but the birds are singing and I have quiet!  I treasure my quietness and I have gratitude for being able to hear the birds singing in the morning.  I am also grateful for the coolness of the morning.

This is one of my favorite verses from the Bible.  I was reading an article in the paper yesterday about a young man who had leukemia and before they discovered he had leukemia, he discovered he had a passion for singing and now he sings for people who deal with leukemia and this verse has become his life verse.  Joshua 1:9 as taken from the New International Version of the Bible-"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  I really need to memorize this verse and remember what it says.

I have been working with My Fitness Pal over the last month or so and it has been working, but I have still been sitting in a range that I have been at for several months.  Finally, this morning, I broke through that barrier.  My goal again for this week is to walk Monday through Friday.

Mari has school from 4-10 today and I am so proud of her as yesterday, she really used her time wisely.    After I drop her off at school, I am going to Balboa Island and walk.  Since Target was closed yesterday,  I need to get there as well.  I am proud of Marissa as well, as she has been getting out and doing things every day.  Rory has a doctor appointment to have his eyes checked.

Doing my morning computer routine.  My laundry routine consists of doing underwear first for Rory and I, as the girls "do their own", which I help with, but they don't do it every week.  I got underwear done and put away.  Clothes are in the dryer and towels are in the washer.  I have a friend who gets two loads done before for her kids leave for school and I don't know how she does it.  It takes me longer to do laundry when I have to help the girls.  Took a nap, as I needed it.  I am going to talk to the doctor on April 11 about my thyroid.  My mom dealt with it and now Mari is dealing with it.  I do not know if this is genetic or not.   Going to work on my mission blog and I was also working on blogs I want to write.  One is going to be-Big cities, Small towns and the first small town I am going to write about is Ventura, since I am writing about Mission San Buenaventura.  My other one will be my Gypsy Mom virtual Concierge and I am going to work through counties and write about the history of that county during Victorian times, talk about Victorian architecture and show pictures of old houses during that time period and write about their history, old cemeteries, ghost towns, old railroad stations, lighthouses, wall art, road trips and historic highways/roads.  My mission blog is also going to be about old churches in the USA, pueblos and El Camino Real.

I don't know why, but I realized today that what we really drives me nuts with Rory is OCD.  It is not so much his Asperger's.  Did my mission blog and then had lunch and then worked on filing financial things, plus trying to get some money back for some of the medical issues we dealt with with Rory.  I feel like it was a successful day.  The girls and I left about 2:30 to go to Starbucks and then to Target and then take Mari to school.  Marissa and I walked at Balboa Island and then came home.  Rory had not come home as yet.  We had dinner and I finished watching Eleanor Roosevelt.  Need to get my picture done and leave at 8:45 to get Mari.  Rory got home about 7:30 and I got him dinner.

Good night!  Trudi