Frustration and tiredness

I am so tired of being tired. I am tired of people and their lack of communication, especially with what I talked about yesterday. When I went to bed last night, Rory wanted to talk to me. He talks to me all day, but he has to wait until I came to bed to talk to me about a piece of mail that he put on my office chair, that he wanted me to handle. I did handle it, by putting it in the trash can. The envelope had to do with refinancing our mortgage, which we can't do, as we are upside down. He knows this, but he keeps hoping that maybe something will change. He dreams and I have to be the responsible one and I am so tired of it. He also wanted to be praised for not putting things on a credit card during this past weekend, when he went to Palm Springs. I don't praise, as I expect him to be responsible. I would praise if he did something that I felt deserved praise. I live with the drama king. When he closes cabinet doors, he has to slam the door. He has to do his blood sugar every day and every time he pokes his finger, he has to complain about how it hurts. I know it hurts, but it has to be done. He wants to be respected, but he doesn't want to respect others. When the girls and I travel, we have very few problems and Rory has all sorts of problems. He wants someone to do everything for him and the girls and I are very independent. I am tired of the hurt in my knee, but there is nothing I can do with it. I am going to keep walking and doing my exercising. I got up this morning at 6 and I am enjoying the time I have for myself before I get Mari up to go walking. It is helping to write out what I deal with. Most times, I find if I get it out of my head and on to paper or computer, it really helps.My frustration is coming from my tiredness. I go to bed around 10 and get up at 6ish. I know I wake up at 2 and probably around 4ish and then around 5:30. I used to take a nap after lunch and now I don't get through the morning without a nap. This really affects my life. I know alot of this is my husband and his sleep apnea, which he won't do anything about, plus he lays around in bed all day and off and on sleeps. We do not have another place for me to go sleep and he wants me in bed with him. Positive note: I did a career interest survey last night and it came back that I should be in the hotel industry. I am thinking concierge would be good! I have been looking at personal assistant and caregiver. Personal assistant and caregiver are what I do right now. Working in the travel industry is what I have always wanted to do. Still need to get Mari through school. If I could figure out how and not stress myself out, I could work part time in a hotel, in order to get my foot in the door. Just a thought! I need to make wise choices and not just leap! How do you handle things when you cannot really communicate with your spouse? Yesterday, I could tell the girls and my friends about the meet up group, but I could not really tell my husband. I also found out while he was gone that he is taking cash advances when he goes to the casino and I can't say anything, because he will say I was snooping. He doesn't want me to see what is on his credit cards and now I know why. Today, he has his car in for service and he wanted to put it on the joint account and not on his credit card, which is how I handle things like this. My frustration is that I can't really talk to him. We have surface conversations and everything has to be his way. Tonight, Marissa had a relationship workshop through her Aspergers group. I know she really doesn't want to go, but I paid for it and she is going. Normally, I would give in and say ok, but I paid for it and she is going. Mari and I go out to dinner while she is in the class. We went to a BBQ place that I found on the internet and had good reviews. It was good and we will go back. Huge portions though. The restaurant was in an area that brought back a lot of not so great memories from when my dad was in the last years of his life. I have dealt with some of these memories, but still the area brings me down. After dinner we went to Trader Joe's and got stuff for dinner tomorrow night and then drove around and I took some pictures of the sunset. Came home and Rory came downstairs. He is uptight about the court case tomorrow. I am tired and headed for bed, so I can do my reading.

Change is hard and scary

As I said yesterday, I watched a program about a woman, who was 435 pounds and how she lost a lot of weight over a one year time frame. She set goals, but didn't always stick to them. I have set goals and things have changed or other people have been involved in this goal and I have not been able to accomplish the goal. My self-confidence has also gotten in the way of establishing the goal. My self-confidence appears to have gotten in the way of many things. During the night, I had a dream that we were having construction work done on our house and my feelings about it. Construction work is change and I am so glad the construction is over for awhile. No plans in the future for construction in this house. I know the construction work was meaning change. It is so much more comfortable to stay put or is it? I am finding things I enjoy doing and I do need to work on me. This is scary. I have actually set some goals. Starting in August, we are going to start walking two times around RSM Lake, which is 2.2 miles and in October we will walk Mission Viejo Lake one time a week, which is 3 miles. I will continue to do our other walking at the park. I am making a goal of being down 10 pounds by Christmas. I will hope for more, but at this point that is where I want to be. I know there needs to be other change, but for right now that is all I want to accomplish. This afternoon, as I was going through my emails, I came across one that about blew me away. I was kicked out of a meet up group for a question I asked. The question I asked was about food. We are going through a museum with a docent and the tour starts at 11:30 and ends at 2:30. Those times are right around lunch hour and after last weekend, I learned I need to eat at regular times. I asked if I could eat a sandwich after we meet and before the tour time and the answer I got was that everyone is taking care of their own food. That answer did not really give me the answer I wanted, so I asked the question a different way and the next thing I knew, I was out of the group. I emailed the person and called the person and she got back to me and told me that she had had another member ask a lot of questions and she was starting to see a pattern. One question and she is starting to see a pattern. I am starting to see a pattern and that is someone has a problem with communication. I have decided if I have another problem with this group, I will leave the group. She did reinstate me. This is one subject that frustrates me to no end. Communication! Give me all the information and people will not ask questions. She was stating that she gets 200 emails a day and she has to work. That is what you get when you are the organizer of a meetup group that has a lot of activities. She was also stating that my comment was going to 30 people and I said "OK" and that I was seeing all of the communication about paypal that she had with this one person. I have learned to go through my emails and edit them. I do not need to read every single email I get. Marissa was complaining tonight about having to go to group tomorrow night. I told her she is going, as I paid for this. The group is on relationship and dating and she says it is more on dating and she is not interested in dating. She wants all these things, but does not move forward. We seem to have this conversation many times. Good night, I am tired. Trudi

A typical day

Actually had a good night sleep. Woke up around six and decided to get up as Mari and I decided to walk the lake twice around. We got once around and Mari was having sore legs. Got breakfast from Starbuck's and came home. It was nice not to have to make breakfast for Rory. Checked emails and then did laundry. I needed a nap, so I took one. After I took a nap, emptied the trash in the house, did vacuuming, watered the plants and checked our bank account. Filed some things that needed to be filed and then took some things over to the storage unit and ran some errands with Marissa. Marissa wants to get a bike, which is fine, but I hope we don't just buy it and she does nothing with it. Rory came home right before we left. Put his dirty clothes in the garage for washing and then gave him the suitcases to put away. If I didn't do it, I know they would sit in the living room for ever until he got around to doing it. Last night, I looked at a couple of credit cards that he does not want me to see and now I know why. When he goes to the casino, he is taking cash advances and not small ones. His dealing with finances drives me nuts and I don't know how long I can handle it. Now I get time for myself with the computer to edit pictures and to write. Someone posted "what do I want to accomplish over the next 90 days" and I really don't know. I take things one day at a time and I am content with that. Yes, I am working on my weight and yes, I am getting exercise. I have no goals for the next 90 days, I feel like I just exist. I am a "do" person and this bothers me, as having a goal, means I have something to do and I can check it off my list. Am I a failure, if I don't have something to do or accomplish a goal? No, but I feel like I am not worthy! I ended up watching a program on the computer called "Extreme Makeover-Weight Loss" or something to that effect. The program made me cry and I don't feel like I push myself enough. I am good enough and I am loved and I really need to believe it. Now how can I believe this. What goals can I set for myself. Had dinner and did some writing. Going to do my reading early, so I can watch the beginning of the new episode of what I watched this afternoon. Better get to it. Good Night, Trudi

Positive and relaxed

Actually slept in until 6:45. I rarely do this when Rory is home and especially when he is stressed. Got up as Mari and I are walking every morning and I wanted to get my morning routine completed, before we went walking. I have hit my first goal of getting to 240 pounds, now I am starting on my second goal of getting to 235. I also did some thinking about a goal statement and this is what I have come up with: I want to be healthy, be financially responsible, have a home base and be able to travel, explore, learn about history, do photography and write and make a living doing this. I also came to realize that I could be happy living where I am, if I was not living with Rory. I asked the girls how they would feel if we would stay here and Rory was not part of this household and they agreed. I have been trying to find a place where I am happy and I have been running away. I need to stop that and deal with what I have here. I find that when I focus on me and not on Rory, I am happier. One of my goals is to get Mari through school and stay put. I don't want to put her through any more stress than she has at school. The condo we have lived in for the last 14 years, as of the end of this month, has never had a mantle over the fireplace. I got an estimate of what that is going to cost and I will have a mantle as of next Thursday. Met up with a friend for tea and we were talking about where she is going with her career. At this point, she has no job. One of the things she is looking at is being a personal assistant. I would love to do this job and in many ways I do this job right now. We were talking about her setting up her own business and doing this and possibly me doing this with her down line. This is another career possibility for me. Right now, I have enough on my plate. Came home to pick up Mari and went to run errands. Late afternoon is my favorite time of the day, as I get to write and edit pictures.

Mari made dinner and I didn't realize how relaxed I was getting, until Rory called. Stress came back in for a few minutes. We have been pretty much hanging out in front of the TV. I did call Val, my friend who has cancer and they want her to go through 10 sessions of radiation. I was worried, as I asked her to call me, when she got back and I didn't hear from her. Glad to know she is ok. Watching the Olympics and coloring hair. Nice way to end a nice relaxing Friday! Good Night! Trudi

Why do I have to be responsible?

Woke up about 3 and realized that Rory was not in bed. He was downstairs watching TV. He gets so stressed over this court case with Leah. I know he wants it over and so do I and I am thankful that we have a great attorney handling it, but I am going on with life and Rory is stuck in one place. Finally got up at 6:30 and got ready. Forgot to turn off the fan and turn on the coffee maker. Started to beat myself up over it and then questioned what I was doing. I turned off the fan and started the coffee maker when I got out of the shower. Rory is leaving this morning for Palm Springs to use up points and to hide away. Went walking with Mari 5 laps around the park, plus I lost another half pound. I keep focusing on what will happen when I get to a plateau. I want to lose this weight, but don't believe I can do it. If I look at it over a period of a year-70 pounds is 6 pounds per month. Yesterday, I said I need to set goals. I don't set goals, because I don't believe I can attain them or something gets in the way of attaining them, so I just take each day. Had breakfast and did house stuff. Rory wanted some help with something he could do for himself. Our attorney called and needed some things, which I sent him later in the morning. Of course, the part he needed, we didn't have, because the bank never sent it to us. Of course, I had to handle it, because Rory was not here, but I would have had to handle it anyway, as I keep the records. I am tired of always being responsible, I want someone to take care of me, and I know in many ways that is not possible. Mari and I had this discussion the other day. This afternoon, the girls and I went out to run errands-Mari and I got hair trims and I got on Marissa's case, because I know in a couple of weeks, she will need her bangs trimmed. Marissa got upset with me, because she felt, I had been getting on her case all day. She does dishes and I expect the counters to be cleaned off totally. Yes, there are certain things that stay on the counters, but she knows what needs to be put away. She also brings up about when she moves out on her own and I don't see that happening anytime soon. I gave her something to do and I haven't seen her doing it. She says she is doing it. We are all having alone time now, which I really enjoy. Made dinner with salmon, couscous and veges. Watching TV and working on my pictures. Talked to Rory regarding what was going on with our attorney. He wants to constantly be in control and I took control of this. I told him, he needed to do something on Monday. He is going to the dentist on Monday and he told me he would not be able to do what he needs to do. Sometimes you have to fight through the pain and stop making excuses. Tonight, I got worried about Mari as she was feeling lightheaded. I had this feeling she had had not enough protein and too much sugar. Made her a smoothie with a lot of protein and also a piece of cheese. That seemed to help. Need to close up the house and go to bed. Getting late for me. Going to enjoy the time while Rory is gone. Good Night, Trudi

Goals and no excuses

This morning, I woke up in a much better frame of mind. I really do want to set some goals for myself. I have set some spiritual goals, but have not got to the rest. I do read the Bible both in the morning and at night. I read Christian books, which I plan to continue to do and I will continue to listen to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. When I am by myself in the car, I can listen to the CD's. I have Living on the Edge on my laptop and I need to make time to listen to the daily message. Mari and I walked the lake this morning and did one lap, which is 1.1 miles and we decided it was getting too easy, so next time, we are going to do 2 laps and increase our park laps to 5. I also increased some of my stretching exercises. I know where I want to get with weight and that is down about 70 pounds, but I don't want to look at the whole thing right now. Right now, I want to get down below 240 pounds and then I will set another goal. I am being good with my food and I feel like I am on a roll right now, which is nice. I have been joining a number of meet up groups and I have been using the early hour as an excuse for why I would not go. Mari is not a morning person and I have used her as an excuse. There was something that one of the groups was doing that I really wanted to go to, so I asked Mari and she said yes. No more excuses! I want to continue with my photography, exploring, people, travel, writing and learning. Mari and I went to San Gabriel Mission, so I could take some more pictures of the mission and finish my article on that mission. I am feeling more positive and not focusing on Rory, which is nice. Yes, he is still my frustration, but I am really trying to not let him get to me. Tonight, just hanging out, watching TV.

Bored and having to sit with it

I woke up this morning feeling very blah! I am really trying to be good with my food and sticking with the food plan I have set up for myself, but I want to blow it and enjoy food. I am really not depriving myself of anything and enjoying what we are eating. I am just making my portions smaller. I have no trips to look forward to and really trying to work on what I have set up for myself of the travel, people, exploring, history, writing and photography. I have been trying to set aside time every day to do that and I have been accomplishing that. Housework bores me, but I know it needs to be done. Being responsible is boring, but I know I need to be. I have so much to be thankful for, so why am I so unhappy. Today, I am just having to sit with my feelings. I was reading in FB, a post from John Tesh and he states that"optimism is a belief that your future will turn out well". He talks about if you are not optimistic, you need to work toward your goals. I need to set goals and work towards them. With my weight, one of my first goals is to get below 240 pounds, which means sticking to the food plan I have set up. Another of my goals is to stick to what I would like my life to look like in the future and that is to be able to travel, to write, to take pictures, to learn more about people and different areas. I need to have a goal setting session with myself. Pictures:

To a better tomorrow. A friend of mine posted on FB, a YouTube video of Louis Armstrong's "What a Beautiful World". I need to remember that and how blessed I am to live in this "Beautiful World". Good night, Trudi

Eating healthy and enjoying

Lately many people have been pushing me to do things for me. That is very difficult for me to do, mainly because of self-esteem issues that I have been dealing with for a long time. I have been doing stretching exercises for quite some time and after we got back from the trip, I decided to go walking in the morning around our complex and not use the excuse that Mari would not get up in time or a friend wanted to go later. That was my first step and then Mari joined me. A neighbor told me about a park, which I already knew about that was not that far away and we started walking there. I knew we could walk RSM lake, but I used the excuse it was too far away and it would take too long, as it is 20 minutes away from our house. Excuses, excuses! We did go out on Saturday and it was not that bad. Rory says he wants his breakfast around 7 and my going walking makes his breakfast late. I have gotten to the point of "too bad". If he wants it earlier, then he can make it. That was the first step to a healthier me. Then I decided that after we got back from Paso Robles, I was going to work on losing weight. I had noticed that after we got back from Washington D.C., my weight was down and I was eating similar to what we did at home and was just as active as we are at home. The same thing happened after we went to Paso Robles. I am using a similar menu, but working on the snacks I have in the morning and afternoon, plus watching the proportion size at dinner. I am really not cutting out some sweets I enjoy, but I may get to the point of trying healthier desserts. I have to thank a group of people who I have come to know on FB, known as Just Get Moving. We have been making or buying smoothies in the afternoon, which I like, as they are like milk shakes, which I love, especially when it is hot. We are using fresh fruits and vegetables and I am enjoying them. I have even bought sandals that are good for my feet. I am really enjoying this. One day at a time and one step at a time! I am working in the afternoon on pictures and writing. I will go take pictures, when I need to, to go along with what I am writing. This is one way, I do not feel like I am running away. This afternoon, my errands included going to the car wash, the bank, Bev Mo, to get a cutter to open up a wine bottle, Mission Ranch Market to get fruit and vegetables and then to the cleaners. The girls went with me. Tonight we had a gumbo with chicken and sausange and rice and veges. Everyone liked it and I am starting to see my limit on eating. The girls of us got one cup of the soup. I have spent the rest of the night doing some typing on another blog I have going on the California missions. More pictures of the San Gabriel Mission Playhouse. I did enter a contest with these three pictures.

Good night, Trudi

Living with purpose

Last night Marissa went out with a couple of friends and when she came home, she said that she was wiped out. The conversation she had had was rather intense and it covered some issues that I have wanted to discuss with her, but Marissa has a tendency to shut me out, when I talk to her about certain things. This got me going on how can we live our lives with a purpose, which is what I know the Lord would want us to do. Marissa has a tendency to focus on her dad and does not want to deal with herself. She is very fearful. Her usual routine in the morning, is to get up and take her shower and then come downstairs and have breakfast and then play on the computer and watch TV. This goes on all day. She has no idea of how to move forward. Today, I gave her a couple of ideas and we will see if she does it. Today, Mari and I were supposed to go to Temecula to go wine tasting, but it was cancelled and I was thankful, because I really wanted to stay home and work on photos and writing. I want to really focus my life on travel, people, photography and writing. I don't want to run away from home, but be able to be home and be comfortable. Yes, I do want to get out and enjoy and explore, but be doing it for a reason and not just because I don't want to stay home. This morning, as I was doing household chores, I was getting frustrated, because Rory was laying around doing nothing and the girls were watching TV and playing on the computers. I am now at 3:30 getting to do what I want on the computer. Yes, I did look at emails earlier. In many ways, I feel like I am not the important one and I am just there to do household stuff. I do not enjoy doing house stuff. After lunch, Marissa and I went out and ran errands and got a chance to talk. I am proud of her for doing what I asked her to do. Tonight she is exhausted, but I told her to take things one day at a time. Had dinner and really trying to stick to a healthy dinner of a protein, a carb and fresh vegetables. We are also trying to stick to correct portion sizes. Watched some TV and then worked some more on my writing of the history of Mission San Gabriel. Rory decided to come downstairs. He doesn't like the weekends, as his usual routine does not exists and the businesses that he is interested are not open. He gets antsy by Sunday night. It is nice to be able to go to bed on time and without the TV on. Picture from San Gabriel Mission Playhouse:

The information was taken from the San Gabriel Mission Playhouse website. San Gabriel Mission Playhouse has tapestries presented by the King of Spain, beautifully carved and painted ceilings, a fully operational Wurlitzer Theater Organ and chandeliers that replicate the lanterns used on Spanish galleons which sailed around the tip of South America in route to California in the 1800's. The playhouse was dedicated on March 5, 1927 and was built by John Steven McGroarty for his famed Mission Play. The Mission Play told the story of the founding of the California Missions by the Franciscan Fathers under the leadership of Father Serra. At the end of the 1932 season and 3,198 performances, the effects of the depression, plus an attempt to produce the play on Broadway, ended the long run of the play. During the ensuing decade, the Mission Playhouse served as a movie theater and during the severe housing shortage in the war years, the dressing rooms were converted into apartments. In the mid 1940's , a group of San Gabriel residents formed a committee to see the Playhouse purchased by the City of San Gabriel. The first initiative was turned down, but in August of 1945, the city purchased the Mission playhouse and renamed it the San Gabriel Civic Auditorium. On September 26, 2007, the City of San Gabriel renamed the theater back to its original name. The Playhouse today, looks like it did, when the Mission Play was in production. The architectural style is Spanish and the facade is designed to resemble McGroarty's favorite mission, San Antonio de Padua in Monterey County. The Wurlitzer Theatre Organ was built in 1927 in New York and donated to the Playhouse in 1968 and was fully restored in 2009. Good night, Trudi

Saturday field trip

Mari and I started the day by going out to Rancho Santa Margarita Lake to walk. Going around one lap is 1.1 miles. Lots of people out exercising, including high school young men running. Came home and made breakfast. Mari and I had picked up oatmeal from Starbucks. I lost 1.5 pounds yesterday. I know the first part of this, with the weight is going to be relatively easy. I want this weight to come off, but I have a tendency to do myself in. I was good this morning, with the oatmeal and the bacon and snack. Lunch I was good with and then came snack while we were out. I kept trying to go someplace other than what I said I was going to do. We did go to Jamba juice and I got a smoothie that had 170 calories. There was a frozen yogurt place next door called "Penguin's" that I had not seen in a long time. I kept trying to convince Mari to go there, but she said "NO". She was hungry for a smoothie and that is where we went. Marissa was getting frustrated this morning with things and her mood was driving me nuts. She was going out with a friend tonight, so I was happy about that. Mari and I were going up to San Gabriel Mission Playhouse to take pictures with a meet up group, I belong to. We were supposed to be there at 2 and we left about 1. I needed to go to the bank and to the gas station. I really did not want to go today, but I had made the commitment to go, so we went. I really enjoyed yesterday with just the three of us and I wanted that for today, but Rory was home, so that was not going to happen. We finally got to the playhouse about 3, thanks to traffic. There were people taking pictures all over the place. My lack of self-confidence was kicking in and I did not feel like I was as good as these other people. They had big cameras and tripods and all the other stuff. The architecture of the building was awesome and I enjoyed seeing the inside. I did take some pictures, but I felt like I kept getting in the way of everybody. I have been putting my cell phone on silent, when I get in the car, so I don't have to talk to people. People can leave messages and I will call them back. Rory did call because Marissa was leaving earlier and there would be nobody home, in case he got a text. I called him and told him we were on our way home, but we had a couple of stops to make. He told us to take our time. Finally got home, made dinner and watched some TV. Editing pictures tonight. I am tired. We were going to go out to Temecula to go wine tasting, but that got cancelled and I am glad. I really like to do something one day and be home the next day. So tomorrow is a home day and at this point, I am glad. Feeling very bored and very restless. I don't want to work at my weight, but I do. I want to explore, but I want to stay home and write. I need to deal with some issues and stop running away. Picture of the lake where we walked:

Home from a trip-Day 30

Mari and I drove back from Paso Robles yesterday. We stopped by Morro Bay and Morro Rock, where it was nice and cool. We stopped near The Madonna Inn for lunch, which we took on the road with us. We drove down Highway 1. I always thought that Highway 1 went right along the coast. I was wrong-Highway 1 really gives you an idea of the differences in California. It shows you small town, our agricultural, the beauty of California and of course the ocean. When we got to the end of Highway 1, we took Highway 101, the rest of the way. We started hitting traffic and then merged on to the 405 freeway. What usually takes a little over an hour, when there is little traffic took us 3 hours. I have never seen traffic so bad, that early. Luckily Marissa made dinner for us, as I asked her to please make dinner, as I knew Mari and I would be in no shape to make dinner. Driving in traffic is exhausting. When we got home, dinner was made and Rory was watching an old movie downstairs. YUK! Luckily, he went back upstairs and ate dinner. I just wanted some quiet. Got a great sleep. Got up this morning and started to get some things back to normal. My weight was down and Mari and I had decided to not walk. Interesting, how my weight goes down when we go on vacation. I probably eat more and I am just as active as when I am at home. Mainly doing house stuff today. Went to the store and I am going to start trying to buy ahead, instead of going to the store everyday. The girls and I cleaned out the refrigerator and freezer. Rory had to go to work today. I am learning that stress is affecting my weight. It is nice and peaceful today at home. I have been good with my food so far today. Day 29 and 30-I did it on the 30 day challenge.

About 5:30, we made dinner. We watched Ghost Adventures and then I started to watch The Dead Files, which I find interesting. I received a phone call from Valerie, who is my long time friend, telling me that the cancer had come back. She had breast cancer and then found out that the chemo had caused her heart issues and now the cancer has come back, in a different place. She is not ready to give up and the doctor is telling her that she has options. I am concerned about my friend, but I am not feeling anything, which is bothering me. Finished watching The Dead Files and then did some stuff on the computer. It was nice tonight, as I have talked to several people. Time to head for bed. Good night, Trudi

On the road again

Mari and I left for Paso Robles on July 17, 2012. Originally Marissa, Mari and I were going to do this trip, but then Marissa decided she didn't want to go, so she is staying home with Rory. Chris, a friend of mine, heard what we were doing and was going to come with us, and then she decided not to go. I didn't really need a nap yesterday morning, so we hit the road about 10:15. We stopped at Whole Foods in the San Fernando Valley for lunch. It is surprising what we eat when we are traveling. Then we headed for La Purisima Mission. This mission is in an area that I had never been before. The country up here is beautiful. It is green and golden. Love to drive near the ocean. After the mission, we headed for Paso Robles. Mari and I travel very well together and like a lot of the same things. Last night, we went to a restaurant called "Artisan", that had really good food. I am really enjoying, learning about wine and knowing what wine I want. Since we were in Paso Robles, which is wine country, I wanted a local wine. Today, we are headed for Mission San Luis Obispo, to meet a woman, who is on one of my photo groups. I am not sure what the rest of the day will bring, but we will see. One thing, I do not do when we travel, is to eat at the hotel, except for the Residence Inn. We are staying at a Courtyard and I want to try places, where local people go. Picture from yesterday:

Mission San Luis Obispo was a small mission. We took some pictures and then we walked around the historic part of San Luis Obispo and saw the gum wall. We had lunch and then we headed back for Paso Robles. We decided to stop at some of the historic signs along the way. We found a cottage, but it was not open. In Atascadero, we found the administration building, with its beautiful top, but they were doing construction. I wanted to see the railroad station in Paso Robles, which we did and as we were driving back to the hotel, we saw a doe and her two babies. They ran across a residential street and then started up a major traffic street. They did run across the major traffic street and went into a residential area. I took a picture of the doe and her babies in someone's yard. Came back to the hotel and took a nap and then we went to get a snack. I love the old part of Paso Robles. We found a place to have dinner and we asked the woman where we got the snack and she recommended two places. There is a possibility of some rain, so we decided on the more indoor place. Came back to the hotel and just hung out and then went to dinner. We have had some great food since we have been gone. I have been feeling up and down since we have been gone. I really do not feel like I have been away from the house. There were some things that I needed to keep in touch with Rory, but I have also been keeping in touch with Marissa. I am so tired of the negativity and how Rory always blows up at everything. Mari and I are hanging out at the hotel tonight.

Good night, Trudi

Perfect! Me?-Day 26

I have always struggled with my weight and my self-esteem. I have tried weight loss programs and have lost the weight and then put it back on. I have been roughly the weight I am right now for a long period of time. Thanks to some people on Facebook, I have started back to walking and more focusing on me. What I would really like to do for a living and I have some time to work on it-travel, photography, people and writing. My weight is the next thing I have to work on and Mari is willing to work on this with me. We have to work on exercise and our portion size. I feel like I eat healthy, but I am not sure. Tomorrow, Mari and I leave on a road trip up to Paso Robles. We will start working on this, next Monday. Today is my anniversary and I really am not excited about it. Rory and I are going out to dinner. Please do not wish me Happy Anniversary! Yes, I have been with him for 29 years, but this relationship is not really a relationship, just two people living together. We went to dinner and I tried to make conversation, but it was mainly surface conversation. I have better conversations with my friends and my daughters. The food was delicious, but I could hardly wait for the meal to be over. The waiter asked if we were going to do something special after dinner and I said "NO". The waiter must have thought we were a little strange. We finally got to talking about his family and that became a conversation. I know his family now a lot more than he does. He is 62 and has not seen his mother or siblings since he was 19. It was so nice to get home. I am excited about the changes I am going to make in my life. I know it is not going to be easy, but I am doing this for me. Day 25 pictures:

Something for me-Day 25

Yesterday Mari and I went up to LA to The Getty Center as there was an exhibit that she wanted to see. Marissa is not thrilled with art, so she did not want to go and I could not tell Rory where we were going, as he would have wanted to come along and I did not want that. Rory used to work at The Getty Center and knows some of the guards. He always wants to introduce us to them and he always wants to do things as a family, but it ends up being totally his way. I did tell him last night and he was upset, but he got over it. He said he was going to take one of the girls and go and I told him, if they want to go. It was nice to just go and see one exhibit. I could totally take the time to read about the art work and not feel like I was rushing through something. There was another exhibit there, but we decided not to go. In all, it was a very enjoyable day. Today, is being a stay at home day. On the way home yesterday, we were talking and I was doing some thinking, while Mari was reading, that I really would like to combine my writing, photography, travel and interest in people together. I am going to take some writing workshops. I love hearing people's stories and where they came from. The two articles that Mari was reading that I found interesting was about a woman who ended up marrying someone from England and all of the stuff they had to go through to get married. The other article was about a shoemaker/designer, whose family originally came from Cuba. He went back to Cuba to find his roots. I know I am going to learn to ask questions and listen more. My self confidence issues are raising their ugly head again. I am afraid to take these writing workshops. I already know I like to travel, I enjoy my photography and I love to talk to people. I am not sure about my writing, but we will see. I have two years to work on this and see where it goes, before Mari graduates. Input would be greatly appreciated. My other issue is my weight. When we came home from vacation, my weight was down and now that we have been home a month, my weight is back up. I know it is the stress I deal with at home. I have been eating the same both places and probably being just as active. Probably the one issue is the portion size, which has been bigger at home. I have always had an issue with my weight and food. Food to me is love, as my dad was an awesome cook. Pictures from the last two days:

This afternoon I mainly did my own stuff. Got to run errands by myself. Ordered pizza from BJ's for dinner. I needed a change from Round Table. Rory did not like it, but oh well! The girls and I liked it. A nice peaceful day at home. Signed up for several meet up groups and I want to join Orange County Historical Society. Getting really tired. Good night, Trudi

July 13, 2012-Day 23

I am loving the sandals as my knee does not hurt as much. Quiet morning, which is nice. Last night we had lightning, but I did not hear the thunder. Came down about 2 a.m. to check on Sweet Pea and she seemed to be doing fine. Found out this morning that Mari had checked on her as well, a little before I did. Mari and I decided not to walk, as we didn't know if we were going to get any more rain. Marissa went to a movie with a friend. Rory went out for awhile. He went to the shoe place, I had gone to and the man could not help him, as he is too unstable in his walk. He did get his sandals at another store for a lot less money. God is in control. Mari and I are going wine tasting this afternoon with Chris. Picture from Day 22:

The wine tasting was ok, but it is someplace I would not go back to. I so much more enjoyed the winery on Saturday that we went to. It was interesting, because when we left to go run some errands before we met Chris, I felt depressed and I really did not know why. Ran my errands, dropped the groceries off at home and then went to meet Chris. It was so hot and humid. Went to the winery, took some pictures leading to the winery. The man directed us as to where to park and then we followed him back to where the wine tasting room was. It was behind a nice large house. The building where the tasting room was, was probably a studio apartment at one time. He directed us to sit out on the patio, so we found a shady place to sit. The white wine was good, but I did not enjoy the reds and he kept telling us they were award winning wines. We tried a port wine, which was good. I bought a white wine and the port. After we left there, we drove out to where the other winery was and showed Chris it and then we decided to go to dinner at a new place near us. It was really good. Came home, watched TV and then Rory came down and wanted to unload. It was talk about the same old thing. He needs to move on and not dwell on things. I came to bed early, which is nice. I am really trying to not get drawn into his complaining or his arguments. Time to wind down. Good night, Trudi

Communication-Day 22

Maybe I should say communication or lack there of! Yesterday, I got some new sandals that have really helped my knew and my walking around. I was so excited, and as I said, it is surprising the little things that make me happy. Finding out that dish soap gets grease spots off of my tops and then the sandals, which is helping my knee. I wanted to share this with Rory, but then he turns around and decides he wants to get some sandals for the pool from the same store. The two pairs of sandals were not cheap and it was killing me to have him spend that much money on sandals that he was only going to use to go to the pool. I realize he wears a large shoe and it is hard to find shoes that fit him, but really expensive sandals to wear to the pool. Last night, as I was headed for bed I asked him why he had to get these sandals, just because I got some. He currently has sandals that he can wear, but he cannot fasten them because of his weight. He wants something that he can just slip into and I told him, he really needed flip flops. Oh no, he needs sandals. Then he asks me why was I asking him this, as I was coming to bed. Minor detail, it is ok, when he starts talking to me, as I am coming to bed. In the future, I will not be sharing things I am excited about with him. This is sad, that I cannot share something like that with my husband. He also could not understand why I spent so much money. He can go on trips and travel first class, but I can't do expensive, when it affects health. He also wants to get two T-shirts for the pool from a magazine and he wants to get another beach towel, to use for the shower. I told hime he could get a bath sheet at Target and he was totally against that. He does not really go to our pool that often, as he does not like all the people and he complains about what people do to the jacuzzi. The girls and I are going wine tasting tomorrow at another winery in this area and then Mari and I are going to the Getty on Saturday. I am not telling him, as he used to work there and he would want to go. Today was mainly a day at home and I actually had some energy to get things done, which was nice. I ran errands this afternoon on my own and found a change purse that I had lost, with the money inside of it. I was surprised! While I was out, Rory called and said that he was in pain from having his toe nails cut and why couldn't one of the girls stay home to take care of him. Minor detail, both girls were home, but Mari was taking a nap and Marissa did not feel like dealing with him. When I got home, I gave him two Motrin, which he could have done on his own and walked out the door. He wanted to know if I was angry, how about frustrated. I am so tired of his complaining. I need to make a plan and move on. It is just frustrating to continue to live with him and I know I have to do this for the next two years until Mari graduates. Day 21 picture:

This afternoon was a much more positive time. I did some organizing of the trust box. I can only do this and watch TV. I watch a program I have DVR'd for 30 minutes and put stuff from the box into a folder. So interesting. Did some editing of pics. Got dinner together. Rory came downstairs to have dinner and watch the news. After Mari decided to sit in the living room, I decided to as well. I had to stop myself from making comments. He finally went back upstairs. Mari and I hung out in the living room and I am ending the day by doing some writing on Mission San Gabriel. It has been off and on raining this afternoon and tonight. Good night and see you in the morning. Trudi

Changing day-Day 21

Today has been a day of changes. Another not great night of sleep, but this time it was me. I felt like all I was doing was going to the bathroom, but maybe it was because of how much water I drank yesterday. Mari and I were supposed to go walking with a friend at the lake and she cancelled, as she was not feeling well. This is typical of this friend on some things. As it was getting close to 9 a.m., we decided to not walk as well. Got things done around the house. Rory was supposed to go to work and that ended up canceling. My friend texted me and wanted to know if the girls and I wanted to go to lunch at a place she liked, as she was feeling better. We went to lunch and then ran some errands. I have been having problems with my knee and I have been wanting to find some sandals, but with some support. We had gone to Payless yesterday, but I could not find what I wanted. Today, we went into this other store and the prices almost did me in. I am glad I stayed. I got two pairs of sandals and the people who own the shop are like feet doctors. I have been wearing the sandals and my feet and knee are not bothering me as much. As several people have said, "I need to take care of me." One of my other errands was to Petsmart to get food for Sweet Pea. Every time we go in to that store, we have to see the cats that are for adoption. I could be the cat lady, if I wasn't careful. I love animals. I am just learning to roll with the punches. Picture for day 20-new walking shoes for Mari

The sandals I bought are awesome. I get so excited about little things. These shoes I feel are going to help my knee and feet. YEA! I am not having as much pain in my knee or arch. We had dinner and watched TV. Talked to Rory and he heard from our attorney regarding the trust. I was really hoping that my step-mother-in-law would do what she was supposed to do, but no, as usual she is making it difficult. I am thankful we have enough money to get along. We will eventually get the money. Other than that we are having a nice relaxing night at home. Good night, Trudi

Errand Day-Day 20

This morning I did get out to do my walk. Going to be a warm day. Mainly a stay at home day, with the exception of a bunch of errands. Did not have the greatest of nights. Rory was complaining about the hamburger he had, that it was not cooked fully. Yesterday Rory had to go to the VA for an appointment regarding his knee. It was warm at the office and Rory does not drink much water. He had a chicken burrito for lunch with a whole bunch of salsa, plus a soda, which is dehydrating, plus he drinks about 3 cups of coffee every day, which is dehydrating. He had a beer and soda with dinner, more dehydrating. He was feeling nauseous and was having stomach cramps, which are more signs of dehydration. He was like this all night, so it did not make for a really good night. He does not like to drink regular water and only wants Perrier. I have made fruit water and he calls it "poison". Major frustration for me! Day 19 picture-Mystery woman on Angeleno Heights:

Mari and I ran errands this afternoon. It was hot, the temperature was about 90 degrees. By the time we got back, both Mari and I were tired. Mari got some new walking shoes. Mari took a nap and I got some alone time in the living room, which was nice. Got some things accomplished, which I like. Had dinner and watched TV. Did some editing of pictures, which I enjoy. Rory came down for a little bit and watched TV with us. Sometimes the conversation we have with him, makes no sense. He so much lives in the past. Making some tea and going to do some reading. Quiet day today. Good Night Trudi!

Heart and work-Day 19

At night, before I go to bed I read The Bible and two other books. I am currently reading "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge and "the lost girls" by Jennifer Baggett, Holly C. Corbett and Amanda Pressner. In "Waking the Dead" the author talks about when it comes to the subject of loving others, you must know how to handle your own heart and you will know how to handle others. Mark 12:31 in the Bible urges us to love others as we love ourselves. Do I really love myself and if I don't, how do I love other people. I love to do things for others. I am really trying to work on loving myself. I know I love my daughters; in different ways, but it is hard for me to really be loving of others no matter what. It is easier to love Mari, than it is to love Marissa. If I don't know people, it is difficult for me to get close and care about others. I can care about people on the surface. I know on the exterior, I am caring and I like to do things for others, but if people get uncomfortable for me or if things get too much at home, I back away and go into my shell. I care about Rory as a person, but in how he takes care of himself, he makes me angry. He went to the doctor's today and he was told that possibly in five years he will not be walking. He really could do something about that, but I know he won't. He won't get out and exercise, he just likes to lay around and do nothing and that is not good for him. As everyone says, I need to take care of me. The other book, I am reading, called "the lost girls" brought up a subject about how much people have to work to succeed. A lot of companies expect you to work more than 8 hours a day and for me that is ridiculous. There is family time and work time, but I guess in this world, that does not exist. Why do things have to be over the top? I know I used to not know the word "no". My family and I suffered because of it. I got burnt out three years ago. There has to be moderation, even in order to succeed. "Slow down you move too fast". I am more enjoying life now, than I did when I was doing appraisals. I see more now than I ever used to. Photography has really opened my eyes to what is around me. When I did appraisals, I had tunnel vision. Since this is the only life I have, I want to enjoy my life and see the beautiful things that God has given us. Since yesterday was a home day, the picture for Day 18 reflects that:

Marissa wanted to go up to Los Angeles today and see the Sharon Tate house. Marissa loves movie history. We decided to go, but I also wanted to show her the Victorian homes in Angeleno Heights. We got lunch on the way and I mailed a letter for Rory. After we drove by, where the house used to be, we came down to Sunset Blvd and drove down Sunset, which was fun for Mari and me. Marissa was disappointed and I don't know what she expected. After Angeleno Heights, we started home. I needed to get some things for dinner and so we stopped by Trader Joe's. We also got a snack and then headed the rest of the way home. I need to go on line and find out if there is a way to find out where there is wall art in Los Angeles. Rory is complaining about dinner and that the hamburger was not well cooked. Minor detail he has been very uptight about a lot of things lately and he practically ate 1/2 of a container of salsa this afternoon with the Mexican food he got from Del Taco. I truly try to cook healthy. I will make him some tea in a few minutes. Good night, Trudi

House day-Day 18

Today is mainly a stay at home day. Sunday is my day to get Rory's and my laundry separated and started. The girls are supposed to do their own, but I usually end up doing theirs, so for right now, I have Mount Laundry.

It actually feels good to stay home and get some house stuff done. I am tired of Rory wanting everything done for him. This morning, while I was taking my nap, he told the girls that I needed to get some gas station sandwiches for him. He was going out and I thought why can't he get them. I will get him some the next time I go to the gas station. Went out to do errands by myself, which was nice. I like being able to get something done. I like exploring as well, but it is nice to have some quiet time to organize, edit pics and write. This afternoon I found that Rory had bought things that really did not need to get bought. He cannot stick to a list when he goes into a store. Yes, we will use them, but he was really going shopping for toiletries. Day 17 picture:

For quite a while, I have been doing stretching exercises and after I got back from our trip, I starting walking laps around our condominium. I was always giving excuses for why I could not walk. It was too hot, I did not want to get up and get going early, etc... Finally I decided I had a flat surface around our complex and then someone suggested I go up to the park and walk, which I have started to do. Now I have talked Mari into going walking. I am now doing four laps in the morning and I am going to start doing four laps in the afternoon. My evening consisted of making dinner, watching TV and working more on my writing and editing pictures. There are some things that I learn that make me happy. When I cook, I sometimes get grease on whatever I am wearing. I decided to google this problem and found out that dish soap will get it out. I was so excited to find this out. I am going to try it out on two shirts I have. Hopefully it works! Good night, Trudi

Trying a new winery-Day 17

I was thinking of getting up early and doing some writing, but I was tired from yesterday and it was just nice to stay in bed until about 6:45. Got up and got going. Why does Rory have to tell me everything he is going to do and why do we have to go over and over the next couple of weeks? Everytime we go out and do some exploring, I feel more peaceful and can put up with Rory more. Did my walking around the complex this morning. Texted Val to see when her MRI's are and was surprised at how quickly she got back to me. She is a late sleeper usually, but I know she is dealing with some health issues. Trying a different schedule today, as I would like more time to do things I enjoy and not feel like I am constantly doing house stuff. I am debating about taking some writing classes, but am afraid to squelch this roll I am on. Again it is self-confidence and I feel like I get overwhelmed when I take classes and it would be one more thing for me to do. Day 16 pictures:

Mari and I decided we were going to try a winery that is near us this afternoon. Got all the house stuff done and took my nap, had lunch and then Mari and I left about one to run an errand. After my nap, I saw that a friend of mine had posted a picture, so I texted her and asked her if she would like to go to a winery with us. She called me back and later she decided to go, even though she is not a big fan of wine. It was nice to see her, as we have not seen her in a while. We tasted about 5 wines and had some cheese and crackers. Bought a couple of wine bottles and then walked around and took some wine. I have been using my little camera a lot lately and I started feeling guilty, because I was not using by good camera. I know this should be about what I enjoy and it is about taking pictures. I felt so nice and calm at the winery, as it felt like we were out in the country. After we left there, we decided we were going to get some cupcakes. Rory had received a certified letter from a company that he had applied for a job back in 2007. While we were out he called me and asked me if I would type a letter that he was still interested and I said sure, thinking that he would write the letter. Wrong! It was easy to type the letter and I did it. He also got a text regarding work and Marissa had read it wrong, so I had to hurry home and read it. Luckily, I was sort of on my way home. He is getting more and more where I feel like his mother or maid and he wants everything done for him. This is getting really old. He wants to do nothing for himself or feels very insecure about doing anything for himself. Mari made dinner, which was good and then we spent the evening watching TV. Tired tonight, so I am going to do my reading and go to bed. Good night Trudi

Off to Los Angeles-Day 16

I am really trying to take care of me! This morning I slept in until almost 7, which was nice. I decided to take my walk at the park, which was nice. I love going walking first thing in the morning, when it is nice and cool. Came home and got breakfast. Mari starts back to school on August 27. Rory was asking what Marissa was going to do and I told him at this point, I don't know, she deals with a lot of fear. As with writing this blog or writing anything or starting anything, the first step is hard, but then it gets easier. She needs to take the first step. I asked her to do that and so far I have not heard anything. I asked Mari to plan this weekend and I asked her this morning, what she wanted to do and she wanted to go up to Echo Park and do one of the Secret Steps walk, which was fine with me. Road trip! Let's go! We left about noon time and stopped to get a sandwich and then headed for LA. Found our start point and started the walk. This walk was near Echo Park Lake, which the City of Los Angeles is redoing and then it goes into Angelino Heights, which is an area with many Victorian homes. This happens to be my favorite type of architecture. I had a field day with taking pictures. A film company was doing some filming at a home that we were walking by. This walk took us two hours, then we started home in traffic. We stopped and got a muffin and a cold drink. A couple of things came to mind, while we were driving. I seem to do my best thinking in the car, first thing in the morning and in the shower. I came up with some ideas for my blog on back roads and I have decided that an RV is not for me. I still want to drive the country, but in a car and staying at extended stay hotels, which are less expensive. The other two things I need to work on over these next two years are how to get sponsored, if I want to do blogs, and what I really want to write on, in traveling the country. I also need to work on having more time to write. I need to spend less time on FB and emails and more time time writing, taking pictures and editing pictures. Do I need to get up earlier and do writing and editing, when I have a quiet house. I do wake up at 5:30, maybe I need to use that time for an hour to write. I want to start moving forward. I need to get past my lack of self-confidence and know that I can do this. Pictures from Day 15 of our new couch and recliner

I am getting more used to the recliner. Good night, Trudi

A new day-Day 15

A new day and we are having delivered a new couch and recliner. I need to move forward with my life and what I really want to do is travel, as I think you all know. I feel stifled with just staying home and being a caretaker. Mari has two years before she graduates from LCAD and I want to be here for her, so I need to make myself a plan over the next two years, so I can travel. At this point in time, I just want to travel the United States, maybe after that, I will have an interest in exploring other countries. I have a love for food and maybe I can learn how to cook more healthy. I need to be able to cook and not worry about what other people think about my cooking. I need to stop worrying about what other people think about what I do. I am being me! Is this what God wants me to do, is my only question and that involves prayer. In regards to yesterday, I was very clear to Rory and I think he got the message, that I don't enjoy entertaining and our house is too small for a whole bunch of people and he can't always control the TV and the air conditioner. I know a couple of people that did not enjoy the movie he had on yesterday and I know several people were cold. He doesn't think about what other people feel or think. Day 14 picture:

We got the new furniture this afternoon. I was happy to have a couch and recliner back in the house, instead of sitting in the kitchen or on the floor. I really liked our old recliner, but I guess I will get used to the new recliner. This recliner was mostly bought for Rory, so that he can get out of the chair easier. I feel like most things lately are being bought for Rory. I like the color of the chair and recliner. I love the kitchen and our master bath and the new phone I feel like I could walk out of this house and leave most things. I feel like I am not worthy of nice things. I will be happy to not have the old couch, as it was beginning to look very dirty and old.

Happy Fourth! Day 14

Happy Fourth to all of my family and friends! This morning, we are mainly spending at home. Rory invited a friend of his and his daughter and granddaughter over for the 4th, so they could go swimming, take some of our old furniture, have dinner and watch fireworks. Mari made cupcakes and brownies. I got watermelon and potato salad and Rory is ordering pizza and chicken. Our house is small and I really do not enjoy having other people over. I am going along with this and I told Rory, since he invited them over, he needs to handle the party. All he is doing is handling the pizza and chicken. He has no idea what else to do. The girls and I are going to a friend of mine's and then we are going to the street fair in Mission Viejo. That is what I wanted to do. The girls and I will come back home for dinner and to watch fireworks from our patio. This friend is also taking our couch and recliner, as we are getting new furniture tomorrow. I don't want to come off sounding like the bad guy, as they are taking the furniture, so it is only right to have them for dinner and let them use the pool, we just do not have enough seating for four more people. I also know that the girls and I will have to handle something that Rory wanted. OK, enough complaining. Day 13 pictures:

I am so glad that the girls and I went to my friend's. We never made it to the street fair, but that was fine. We had a good time and I saw Marissa actually relax, which was nice. At 5:30, they were headed for the street fair and hang out to watch fireworks and we came home. Why did we have to come home? They are in the living room watching TV with Rory, Marissa is in her room, Mari is in hers and I am in our room. There is no place for the three of us to sit and I really don't want to watch what Rory is watching. I wish I could feel relaxed when I am around Rory. I think Rory's friends granddaughter is glad that my girls came home. Rory's friend's daughter and boyfriend went out to the jacuzzi and Steve and Rory are downstairs talking. I am actually watching what I want, but I would rather be down in the living room, working on my computer and watching TV, but oh well.

Negative to positive-Day 13

I have a tendency to be negative. I feel like I am always complaining. I feel like I am more positive when I am not around Rory, but the more I am around Rory, the more negative I become. Rory is a very negative person. I also have a tendency to feel guilty, when I am doing something I want to do and I think it may be something that God doesn't want me to do. Tomorrow I am going to a friend's for part of the 4th and then come home for the rest of the 4th. I am trying to be respectful of Rory, but I know if I stay here all day, I will end up being the servant and I will have to put up with the TV going all afternoon. I don't know these people and they are really coming over to use the pool and move the furniture. Rory will just sit in the chair and watch TV and talk to Steve. The house got cleaned today, which I am thankful. This morning, I got some of my list done and then I needed to get to Target. I did talk to Kaiser regarding getting the girls health insurance and there will be no change until 2014. I had my snack and tried to take a nap. Kaiser called to remind me to get my blood pressure checked and then Marissa woke me up and said Rory was screaming. I had to go up and see what was going on with him. He ran out of the medication he needed, so he used a spray that he knows causes him pain. I gave him some lotion and that calmed down the pain. He wanted me to get some Medicated Vaseline and Target did not have any. The pharmacist recommended I go to Sports Chalet, which I did and they had something that everyone said was good. He will complain because that is not what he wanted and I did not go to CVS. I do not like going to CVS and I was going to Target. I was told yesterday to take care of me and that is what I am trying to do. Why do I always have to be the responsible one, while Rory gets to go have his kind of fun? I want to go out and travel and enjoy exploring, but I know there are responsibilities at home, such as Sweet Pea? Am I worthy? Day 12 picture:

This afternoon after the cleaners left it was nice just having the three of us in the house. Marissa had her relationship class tonight, so we left about 5. I am trying to find a faster way to get from our house to Newport and there does not seem to be one. I think Marissa was either excited about going or nervous, but she was driving Mari and I nuts with her non-stop talk. Mari and I went to dinner at a Greek place, that had good food, then we went into Barnes and Noble and I got some travel books. While we were at dinner, I got a text from a long time friend. With the chaos I live with, I communicate mostly on FB or I will text some people. I also have two built in friends at home. There are a lot of similarities between Rory and this friend and I don't need two people like this in my life. I did text her back. I feel guilty, because I am not more communicative, but this friend is not on FB and she does not like to talk while I am in the car, which is sometimes where I have the most privacy. There seems to be too many restrictions and I don't need any more restrictions in my life. I see and talk to the people I want to in my life. Got home about 9 and I am tired. Going to do my reading and go to bed. Good Night Trudi

Fear and trust-Day 12

This morning I did my stretching exercises and I have increased my laps to three. I was listening to "Living on the Edge" this morning and they were talking about stagnation. I realize I deal a lot with fear. I need to take steps of faith and I need to ask God where he wants me to take this step of faith. I have three things to do today, well now, four. One has been done and that is to get the oil changed in my car. I really don't like to sit someplace for an hour, so Rory came down to get me and we went to get a new phone, as the phone upstairs is not working correctly. After being with him in the car for about an hour I was getting very uptight. As we were pulling out of the driveway of Big O, he was on the left and there was a person on the right, where Rory should have been and he said, can't that person just wait for me. Rory was trying to be polite for me and be on the left side. Rory did get to go first. When we got to one signal, he was asking, why can't the signal turn as there is nobody coming the other way. He has no patience, everything has to be done now. When we got to the phone place, the guy showed us the phones and Rory was going on and on about how the other phone doesn't work and about not buying phones at Target. Then he was asking about how you can dial a number on the telephone and it can show on the computer. Both the sales guy and I were looking like "what"! Rory has rules for everything. He would not back out, if someone was waiting to take his spot. Then we went to Starbuck's and as he was going through the parking lot, he really wasn't watching for people walking. He always has to be first. By that point, I had about had it and this was only an hour. We headed back to Big O and I got my car and came home. I deal a lot with fear and lack of self-confidence. I have ideas of things I want to do and I have a problem moving forward. I need to figure out what I am supposed to move forward with first. In some ways, I feel like I am stagnant, as I can't move forward until Mari graduates from college. Maybe, I am in a holding pattern at the moment. What do I need to learn, while I am in this holding pattern. I know I need to trust in the Lord.

I really want to drive Route 66 and see what is left and the country along this route. Hopefully the girls and I will get to do this next year. After we got home and I had lunch and took my nap and I was doing my usual routine, I knew I needed to run an errand and take a picture. Taking a picture once a day is getting me out of the house, but I do that anyway when I am running errands. I am bored with this area and it is being hard to come up with ideas of pictures. I am trying to get Mari into this 30-day challenge and we are having the same issue. I asked her to come up with a word without thinking about it. The word she came up with was "blah". I decided that we would go down to San Juan Capistrano to Los Rios and walk around. We both like the area and there was a Trader Joe's in the area as well. It was a nice afternoon out. I asked her who she felt like she was as an artist and what she really likes doing is culture and people. We were talking about areas that she liked to go to and we came up with several. I told her this weekend she has to plan the weekend and we will see where we go. While we were on vacation, the girls and I wondered how long it was going to be before we wanted to be traveling again and we came up with two weeks. It has been two weeks and I am getting antsy to get out of here again. I don't want to stay in this area. I do know I have responsibilities. The other thing that came up is 4th of July. A friend is having some friends and her family over for the 4th and then go to the street fair and then watch fireworks. This is what I wanted to do, if Rory had not invited his friend over. The daughter and granddaughter want to swim and I have no interest, so I am going to spend part of the day with my friend and part of the day at home. I am trying to be respectful of Rory and I would like to meet his friend. They are also coming over to pick up the couch and recliner. I need to take care of me and be strong. Good night, Trudi