Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Frustration and tiredness

I am so tired of being tired. I am tired of people and their lack of communication, especially with what I talked about yesterday. When I went to bed last night, Rory wanted to talk to me. He talks to me all day, but he has to wait until I came to bed to talk to me about a piece of mail that he put on my office chair, that he wanted me to handle. I did handle it, by putting it in the trash can. The envelope had to do with refinancing our mortgage, which we can't do, as we are upside down. He knows this, but he keeps hoping that maybe something will change. He dreams and I have to be the responsible one and I am so tired of it. He also wanted to be praised for not putting things on a credit card during this past weekend, when he went to Palm Springs. I don't praise, as I expect him to be responsible. I would praise if he did something that I felt deserved praise. I live with the drama king. When he closes cabinet doors, he has to slam the door. He has to do his blood sugar every day and every time he pokes his finger, he has to complain about how it hurts. I know it hurts, but it has to be done. He wants to be respected, but he doesn't want to respect others. When the girls and I travel, we have very few problems and Rory has all sorts of problems. He wants someone to do everything for him and the girls and I are very independent. I am tired of the hurt in my knee, but there is nothing I can do with it. I am going to keep walking and doing my exercising. I got up this morning at 6 and I am enjoying the time I have for myself before I get Mari up to go walking. It is helping to write out what I deal with. Most times, I find if I get it out of my head and on to paper or computer, it really helps.My frustration is coming from my tiredness. I go to bed around 10 and get up at 6ish. I know I wake up at 2 and probably around 4ish and then around 5:30. I used to take a nap after lunch and now I don't get through the morning without a nap. This really affects my life. I know alot of this is my husband and his sleep apnea, which he won't do anything about, plus he lays around in bed all day and off and on sleeps. We do not have another place for me to go sleep and he wants me in bed with him. Positive note: I did a career interest survey last night and it came back that I should be in the hotel industry. I am thinking concierge would be good! I have been looking at personal assistant and caregiver. Personal assistant and caregiver are what I do right now. Working in the travel industry is what I have always wanted to do. Still need to get Mari through school. If I could figure out how and not stress myself out, I could work part time in a hotel, in order to get my foot in the door. Just a thought! I need to make wise choices and not just leap! How do you handle things when you cannot really communicate with your spouse? Yesterday, I could tell the girls and my friends about the meet up group, but I could not really tell my husband. I also found out while he was gone that he is taking cash advances when he goes to the casino and I can't say anything, because he will say I was snooping. He doesn't want me to see what is on his credit cards and now I know why. Today, he has his car in for service and he wanted to put it on the joint account and not on his credit card, which is how I handle things like this. My frustration is that I can't really talk to him. We have surface conversations and everything has to be his way. Tonight, Marissa had a relationship workshop through her Aspergers group. I know she really doesn't want to go, but I paid for it and she is going. Normally, I would give in and say ok, but I paid for it and she is going. Mari and I go out to dinner while she is in the class. We went to a BBQ place that I found on the internet and had good reviews. It was good and we will go back. Huge portions though. The restaurant was in an area that brought back a lot of not so great memories from when my dad was in the last years of his life. I have dealt with some of these memories, but still the area brings me down. After dinner we went to Trader Joe's and got stuff for dinner tomorrow night and then drove around and I took some pictures of the sunset. Came home and Rory came downstairs. He is uptight about the court case tomorrow. I am tired and headed for bed, so I can do my reading.


  1. God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.