Monday, December 3, 2012

Joy and trust

Good Morning! Usually in the morning, I wake up feeling, ok it is another day and I really would like to feel joy. According to the Bible, joy comes from God. I struggle with this, because I think of joy as happiness and being thankful. I am really trying to get clarification on this word. I should be thankful that we have a house to live with and I have people who love me and a God who loves me and I can be a stay at home wife and mom, but I don't feel joy. Trust is complete honesty. This I understand and I really do try to be honest. I need to see where I am not being honest. Another struggle I have is how I feel about myself. I am really struggling with my weight. I have gotten to a certain weight and I am just bouncing. I know this is a hard time of year, to lose weight, but part of my issue is to not overeat. This goes back to joy and I need to just enjoy each day and not be so hard on myself. Saying this brings tears to my eyes. I want to enjoy life and not be so hard on myself. I feel like I have to be perfect. Today, Mari has school from 2-10 p.m. and I am doing my normal routine. Rory is going to pay his union dues. All Rory wants to do his lay around and watch TV. He enjoys that. I try to tell him that he should get up and be active and I get it thrown back in my face, that this is my idea for his life and not his own. I am not sure what Marissa is doing today. She is so afraid of moving forward and so she just sits here and reads, watches TV and plays games on the computer. I am tired of trying to change things. All I can do is take care of me. Better get moving forward with my day! So I am being honest with my food, I had two scrambled eggs with 2 slices of turkey bacon and a piece of apple/dried fruit bread that I made earlier. I am having my coffee/hot chocolate as well. Doing my morning computer stuff. I have always loved music, so I put Pandora back on my computer and just enjoying the music stations I like.
Got all my house stuff done and even got the lights up on the front of the house, as it stopped raining. Had lunch and took Mari to school. Then I went to Dana Point and walked the island, which is 2+miles, including stairs. Stopped to get a smoothie and then to Smart and Final and then the gas station and then home. Marissa and I put groceries away and not long after that Rory came home. He was complaining about all the traffic coming back from Los Angeles and that we did not have to hurry up and have dinner, as he had not had lunch until 2:45 p.m. I told him we have dinner at 6 and it is not all about him. I asked him if he would like to go walking with me at the island, as it is relatively quiet. He told me, "oh, that was just last night". I give up. I am going to do my own thing. Took a nap and now need to get dinner together. Got dinner and watched TV with Marissa. Now I have about 30-40 minutes before I have to leave to pick up Mari. One more Monday. It is very foggy out there and I have to drive to Laguna, which takes me about 20-30 minutes. Pray for my safety. Good night. Trudi

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